this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
