Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
