Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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