Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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