I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize