You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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