due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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