his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
