my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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