bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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