chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Michael Bay diarrhea
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
