So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
