New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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