My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
