I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
