if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The feeling are messing with the penis
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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