i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
