When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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