so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
