just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize