youre lurking in front of me
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
