When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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