if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
