Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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