I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
