well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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