hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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