I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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