I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
