like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize