that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
