dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
