what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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