I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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