i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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