I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
