oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize