I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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