my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize