mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
