Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize