Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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