i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
