the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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