in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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