I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
