I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
