I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Operation Purity has been aborted
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
