I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Alive.
So much puke
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
