Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
