and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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