You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
