Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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