I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
