I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
