Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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