You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
