I just gift wrapped bread.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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