So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
