had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
