I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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