P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
