Need sex. Gaining weight.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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