i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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