My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
