if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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