Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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