she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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